Lilte confession....

Met a friend yesterday while shopping with family at a mall. Haven't seen her for a while, but she is someone who is special to me, like competitor, like enemy, like friend. I just want to say that, it hurts me when I get the impression of her trying to judge or value me while I said I have been rested since half a year ago after quitting my job. After she told me about herself pursuing Masters in UK and another friend working in States (achieving her dreams), I said to her in an envious tone, 'you girls met great opportunities'. Perhaps she had misunderstood me as if I thought that they can do what they are doing now because of plain luck. She said to me, 'we both worked very hard and suffered in order to survive our dreams". Suddenly I felt an invisible arrow stabbing my chest, ouch! So I lived a good life and deserve what I get right now? Argh... perhaps we were talking in different channels, it seems that we kept misunderstanding each other since the first day we met.

The only motivation for me to find a job now is to pay debts, even though no one asks me for it. I can only say that I hate the world, I hate being in the world. What is being me while there is nothing good about me? I find that being 'utilitarian' is more effective than standing for own principles. Being a freshman has no right to insist on her principles, only obedience and submission to authorities. There is no right or wrong in the business world, only what is rewarding and what is not. It's a taboo to appear weak and not confident in self, I tried but it's just too tired to pretend that I'm strong.
Perhaps I am too far from what I want to be, it seems unachievable. What is success? What is success according to you? What is success from the point of the world's view? Is my life aim to be success, or to be obedient to the Lord's will? Some says to be success is obedient to God, to give glory to God. Or should I proceed to pursue what I perceive as success by following my heart? Not everyone can afford integrity.

~My Final decision!

Oat sangat bengang , even semalam dia masih talk about it... Aku diam , bukan bermaksud kalah , sebab kiranya aku bukak mulut aku tahu aku tak akan menang ....

Bukan aku tak buat my part . I did! biar pun meleleh air mata darah sekali pun, I have done what I've supposed to do. My colleague , my direct reporting manager , my support team are aware about my transfer...

Bukan senang jadi AKU ; I have to pleased every body. My parents , my kids , his ex- and family , his family , freind and even my maid.I've to make that decision. Its long term business. Bukan macam cerita :Bukan hari ini , esok tiada....Kalau boleh aku nak jerit pada Oat ( sebab berkali explained masih tak nak paham)its for everybody benefit. You and kiddos benefit. Not me ... paham skit keadaan...


Moga tuhan tahu dan bimbing aku untuk jadi substitute yang terbaik.

ps : When you change person to be what you want , you just loose the respect !