Met a friend yesterday while shopping with family at a mall. Haven't seen her for a while, but she is someone who is special to me, like competitor, like enemy, like friend. I just want to say that, it hurts me when I get the impression of her trying to judge or value me while I said I have been rested since half a year ago after quitting my job. After she told me about herself pursuing Masters in UK and another friend working in States (achieving her dreams), I said to her in an envious tone, 'you girls met great opportunities'. Perhaps she had misunderstood me as if I thought that they can do what they are doing now because of plain luck. She said to me, 'we both worked very hard and suffered in order to survive our dreams". Suddenly I felt an invisible arrow stabbing my chest, ouch! So I lived a good life and deserve what I get right now? Argh... perhaps we were talking in different channels, it seems that we kept misunderstanding each other since the first day we met.
The only motivation for me to find a job now is to pay debts, even though no one asks me for it. I can only say that I hate the world, I hate being in the world. What is being me while there is nothing good about me? I find that being 'utilitarian' is more effective than standing for own principles. Being a freshman has no right to insist on her principles, only obedience and submission to authorities. There is no right or wrong in the business world, only what is rewarding and what is not. It's a taboo to appear weak and not confident in self, I tried but it's just too tired to pretend that I'm strong.
Perhaps I am too far from what I want to be, it seems unachievable. What is success? What is success according to you? What is success from the point of the world's view? Is my life aim to be success, or to be obedient to the Lord's will? Some says to be success is obedient to God, to give glory to God. Or should I proceed to pursue what I perceive as success by following my heart? Not everyone can afford integrity.
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